Not the way to do it

THIS WAS A CHILDISH way to write a story on an 11-year-old boy who was interviewing players at the NFL Pro Bowl.

Weaver said he was most excited to interview his favorite player, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.

"He's my favorite player," Weaver said.
 
You could have changed that to this: Weaver said he was excited to interview Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.

"He's my favorite player," Weaver said.
 
Why the change? It was redundant. By the way, I hope the boy didn't tell McNabb that he's his favorite player. I know from personal experience; that doesn't work.

Contact: Reach me at tgilli52@gmail.com or nc3022@yahoo.com.

More EDITOR@WORK blog entries

• You really DO need an editor

• Reminders for would-be novelists

• What I do when I'm editing

• What I charge (it's a deal) and what I edit

• Slogging through the Internet

• J-school: More eyes on your stories

• J-school: Go out and learn

• Rookie mistakes for magazine writers

Entries from The Dog Blog

• Katie cried

• Growl and pull

• 10 years with Lady

• ... said the spider to ...

• The Dog Diary (2014)

• YIP! YIP! The stereo-sound huskies

• What Lady and Michael Jackson had in common

Blog entries from The Auto Racing Journal

• Angel in Black: Remembering Dale Earnhardt Sr.

(a book of great stories about the Intimidator)

• Then Junior Said to Jeff...

(the book of great NASCAR stories)

• My best day as a sports writer

• Jeff Gordon's milk toast to Dale Earnhardt

• Wayne Auton: A life in racing

More blog entries by Tom Gillispie

• Resume for a writer and editor

• An editor's views on powerful writing

• Advice for be and would-be novelists

• Links to TG's stories online

• Favorite quotes

• What I do when I'm editing

Anecdotes by Tom Gillispie

• Wipeout at Death Valley

• Days with rainbows

• A desperate writer working in the dark

• Yer outta there!

Out of order

This paragraph has a few things out of order.

"Did anyone else come in to see Mrs. Stein that you were aware?" prosecutor Joan Illuzzi-Orbon asked the trial's second witness, Ed McQuaid, super for the posh apartments overlooking Central Park at East 78th Street. The first witness had been Stein's daughter, Mandy, who discovered the body.

After this paragraph, the prosecutor questions people in the building. The writer is skipping from the prosecutor and the building supervisor to the building and the first witness; then he/she goes back to the questions.

Let's try it another way.

The first witness was Stein's daughter, Mandy, who discovered the body. The second was Ed McQuaid, super for the posh apartments overlooking Central Park at East 78th Street.

"Did anyone else come in to see Mrs. Stein that you were aware?" prosecutor Joan Illuzzi-Orbon asked McQuaid.

Now McQuaid can answer the question without interruption. This appears longer because it's now two paragraphs, but the edited version has 46 words instead of 47. And it's smoother and has a more natural transition.

Contact: Reach me at tgilli52@gmail.com or nc3022@yahoo.com.

More EDITOR@WORK blog entries

• You really DO need an editor

• Reminders for would-be novelists

• What I do when I'm editing

• What I charge (it's a deal) and what I edit

• Slogging through the Internet

• J-school: More eyes on your stories

• J-school: Go out and learn

• Rookie mistakes for magazine writers

Entries from The Dog Blog

• Katie cried

• Growl and pull

• 10 years with Lady

• ... said the spider to ...

• The Dog Diary (2014)

• YIP! YIP! The stereo-sound huskies

• What Lady and Michael Jackson had in common

Blog entries from The Auto Racing Journal

• Angel in Black: Remembering Dale Earnhardt Sr.

(a book of great stories about the Intimidator)

• Then Junior Said to Jeff...

(the book of great NASCAR stories)

• My best day as a sports writer

• Jeff Gordon's milk toast to Dale Earnhardt

• Wayne Auton: A life in racing

More blog entries by Tom Gillispie

• Resume for a writer and editor

• An editor's views on powerful writing

• Advice for be and would-be novelists

• Links to TG's stories online

• Favorite quotes

• What I do when I'm editing

Anecdotes by Tom Gillispie

• Wipeout at Death Valley

• Days with rainbows

• A desperate writer working in the dark

• Yer outta there!