Showing posts with label cleaner copy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cleaner copy. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

They are a team ... oh, really?

Another edit: I was reading a story on the NY Jets, and came across this.

So who are these Jets? They are a team that commits too many pre-snap penalties in crucial situations, including several this season by tight end Ben Hartsock, Ryan said. They are a team that has allowed six touchdowns this season when its defense was not on the field.

They are a team that has failed to put together a complete performance, tight end Dustin Keller said. They are a team failing in consistency, offensive tackle Damien Woody said.


Every time the writer says They are a team..., it bothers me. It grates on me.

The Jets commit too many penalties. They have allowed six touchdowns when the defense isn't on the field. They haven't put together a complete performance. They fail in consistency. Or they haven't been consistent. Simple as that.

Sorry. I always look for the quickest way to say things.

Too much: Here's another sentence/paragraph that bothers me -- “It was a terrible night for us,” Carroll told reporters after the game. What's the point of told reporters after the game? He wouldn't tell them that before or during the game. You could just put Carroll said, and it'd be fine.

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(the book of great NASCAR stories)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A tighter story about the Yankees

Alternatives: On Monday, I suggested an alternative edit on a sentence; I'm going to do it again today.

This sentence -- Kazmir kept the Yankees quiet for a while, but they broke through in the fourth, an inning that started with a single by Rodriguez. -- is fine. But you could change the beginning to Kazmir kept the Yankees quiet until the fourth inning,... And you could change the ending clause to ..., starting with a single by Rodriguez. That's a quicker, cleaner way of saying the same thing.


Another alternative: I'm a meat-and-potatoes kind of copy editor; you might check out John McIntyre's blog. I disagree with the former Baltimore Sun editor about half the time, but he's a fun read. I think he tries to come off as a know-it-all.


Comment: I got this comment in my email nearly two months ago, but I decided that it's worth posting. Thanks, Roni.


Hey, I don't generally do this sort of thing, but I saw your message on LinkedIn, and I am getting ready to TRY to start my own blog, so I looked at yours. It is really good. You are the only person I have ever heard of who does freelance work on a newspaper copy desk.

I am an "old" copy editor, vet of major metro papers, now working in bookkeeping and office manager-type stuff. Some freelance, but it is thin.

No, this is not a plug for work. I just wanted to tell you that the link you have on your blog for "Overused Business Words" is the funniest thing I have seen in a LONG time. I worked for the Navy for 11 1/2 years, till last fall, in a corporate environment. I still have PTSD!! And reading that site had me laughing so hard I nearly ... well, fill in the blank there.

Thanks for a good laugh. And thanks for a cool blog, from one person who cares about the language to another.

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EMAIL: tgilli52@gmail.com  BLUESKY: PROFILE


ENTRIES FROM THE DOG BLOG

BLOG ENTRIES FROM THE AUTO RACING JOURNAL
(a book of great stories about the Intimidator)
(the book of great NASCAR stories)