EDITOR@WORK: needs an editor

I don't like stacked modifiers, particularly to start a story. Take this paragraph found online:

Former Baltimore Colts tight end and Hall of Fame inductee John Mackey died Wednesday after a lengthy battle with dementia.

I'd change it to this:

John Mackey, the hall-of-fame tight end for the Baltimore Colts, died Wednesday after a lengthy battle with dementia.

If he's in the Hall of Fame, he has to be a former player. I think the latter version is much easier to read.

EMAIL: tgilli52@gmail.com BLUESKY: PROFILE

MORE EDITOR@WORK BLOG ENTRIES

• You really DO need an editor

• Reminders for would-be novelists

• What I do when I'm editing

• What I charge (it's a deal) and what I edit

• Slogging through the Internet

• J-school: More eyes on your stories

• J-school: Go out and learn

• Rookie mistakes for magazine writers

BLOG ENTRIES BY TOM GILLISPIE

• Resume for a writer and editor

• An editor's views on powerful writing

• Advice for be and would-be novelists

• Links to TG's stories online

• Favorite quotes

• What I do when I'm editing

ANECDOTES BY TOM GILLISPIE

• Wipeout at Death Valley

• Days with rainbows

• A desperate writer working in the dark

• Yer OUTTA there!

ENTRIES FROM THE DOG BLOG

• Katie cried

• Growl and pull

• 13-plus years with my dog Lady

• ... said the spider to ...

• The Dog Diary (2014)

• YIP! YIP! The stereo-sound huskies

• What Lady and Michael Jackson had in common

BLOG ENTRIES FROM THE AUTO RACING JOURNAL

• Angel in Black: Remembering Dale Earnhardt Sr.

(a book of great stories about the Intimidator)

• Then Junior Said to Jeff...

(the book of great NASCAR stories)

• My best day as a sports writer

• Jeff Gordon's milk toast to Dale Earnhardt

• Wayne Auton: A life in racing

This sentence is confused and needs editing.

Upon discovering that a dangerous opium smuggling ring is behind the murder, the ringleaders kidnap Chan and attempt to make him their next victim.

No, the ringleaders didn't discover the smuggling ring. They already knew. Let us try again:

When Chan discovers that a dangerous opium smuggling ring is behind the murder, the ringleaders kidnap Chan and attempt to make him their next victim.

Charlie Chan a victim? Never happen.

Here's a partial sentence from a Sports Illustrated story, and I think that "on Saturday" is in the wrong place:

When David Boies, 70, was added to the NFL's legal team for the fight against the players on Saturday...

I'd change it to this:

When David Boies, 70, was added Saturday to the NFL's legal team for the fight against the players...

Let's rewrite this awkward sentence just found online:

Williams said he has no magic cure to ensure another slow start by Carolina won't happen tonight.

Let's try again:

Williams said he can't ensure that Carolina won't start slow again tonight.