Saturday, March 22, 2014

Surprising statement

FOUND ONLINE: HUMANS weren’t at first designed to drink milk.
 Then what did human babies drink hundreds or thousands of years ago? I'll have to read this more closely. It's possible that the reader meant that humans weren't at first designed to drink cow or goat milk.

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ENTRIES FROM THE DOG BLOG

BLOG ENTRIES FROM THE AUTO RACING JOURNAL
(a book of great stories about the Intimidator)
(the book of great NASCAR stories)
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Friday, March 14, 2014

Too many 'players' here

Found online: Miami general manager Dennis Hickey described Mitchell as “a young player that was on the rise and we felt like we had great things ahead of him.” Mitchell was not a player on the radar of many people when free agency began this week. But the Dolphins made him a first-day priority.

Saying "a young player that was on the rise" and "a player on the radar" seems too much in one paragraph. I'd put a comma after "rise" and change the start of that second sentence to "Mitchell was not on the radar."

It's a little shorter, and you're not overusing a phrase.

If it weren't part of a quote, I'd also change "young player that" to "young player who." Players are people, too.

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ENTRIES FROM THE DOG BLOG

BLOG ENTRIES FROM THE AUTO RACING JOURNAL
(a book of great stories about the Intimidator)
(the book of great NASCAR stories)
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , , , , , ,
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