Friday, March 14, 2014

Too many 'players' here

Found online: Miami general manager Dennis Hickey described Mitchell as “a young player that was on the rise and we felt like we had great things ahead of him.” Mitchell was not a player on the radar of many people when free agency began this week. But the Dolphins made him a first-day priority.

Saying "a young player that was on the rise" and "a player on the radar" seems too much in one paragraph. I'd put a comma after "rise" and change the start of that second sentence to "Mitchell was not on the radar."

It's a little shorter, and you're not overusing a phrase.

If it weren't part of a quote, I'd also change "young player that" to "young player who." Players are people, too.

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Anecdotes by Tom Gillispie

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