Found online: Miami general manager Dennis Hickey described Mitchell as “a young player that was on the rise and we felt like we had great things ahead of him.” Mitchell was not a player on the radar of many people when free agency began this week. But the Dolphins made him a first-day priority.
Saying "a young player that was on the rise" and "a player on the radar" seems too much in one paragraph. I'd put a comma after "rise" and change the start of that second sentence to "Mitchell was not on the radar."
It's a little shorter, and you're not overusing a phrase.
If it weren't part of a quote, I'd also change "young player that" to "young player who." Players are people, too.
Editorial group: If you're a writer, editor or general freelancer, you might check out my Freelance Writers and Editors group on Yahoo! We've been really active lately, and I think we've become useful to each other.
Writers' guidelines: If you want to write for magazines (or book publishers), check out the writers' guidelines on my Freelance Writers and Editors group on Yahoo!
Followers: Welcome to all the followers on this blog. May the Force be with you.
Check it out: You might look at Funds for Writers, which specializes in grants for writers.
Contact: Reach me at tgilli52@gmail.com or nc3022@yahoo.com.
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