Saturday, January 30, 2010

Not the way to do it

THIS WAS A CHILDISH way to write a story on an 11-year-old boy who was interviewing players at the NFL Pro Bowl.

Weaver said he was most excited to interview his favorite player, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.


"He's my favorite player," Weaver said.

 
You could have changed that to this: Weaver said he was excited to interview Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.

"He's my favorite player," Weaver said.

 
Why the change? It was redundant. By the way, I hope the boy didn't tell McNabb that he's his favorite player. I know from personal experience; that doesn't work.

Contact: Reach me at tgilli52@gmail.com or nc3022@yahoo.com.


(a book of great stories about the Intimidator)
(the book of great NASCAR stories)

More blog entries by Tom Gillispie

Anecdotes by Tom Gillispie

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Out of order

This paragraph has a few things out of order.

"Did anyone else come in to see Mrs. Stein that you were aware?" prosecutor Joan Illuzzi-Orbon asked the trial's second witness, Ed McQuaid, super for the posh apartments overlooking Central Park at East 78th Street. The first witness had been Stein's daughter, Mandy, who discovered the body.

The first witness was Stein's daughter, Mandy, who discovered the body. The second was Ed McQuaid, super for the posh apartments overlooking Central Park at East 78th Street.
"Did anyone else come in to see Mrs. Stein that you were aware?" prosecutor Joan Illuzzi-Orbon asked McQuaid.
Now McQuaid can answer the question without interruption. This appears longer because it's now two paragraphs, but the edited version has 46 words instead of 47. And it's smoother and has a more natural transition.


Contact: Reach me at tgilli52@gmail.com or nc3022@yahoo.com.

(a book of great stories about the Intimidator)
(the book of great NASCAR stories)

More blog entries by Tom Gillispie

Anecdotes by Tom Gillispie