About her feet

From a novel: She was wearing a yellow T-shirt and a blue denim jean jacket, and big black baggy pants, and yellow tennis shoes on her feet, with no socks, and no laces.

Yes, it's too long, but that's not the problem I have with the writing. The offender is "yellow tennis shoes on her feet." Where else would the tennis shoes be? On her head? Her elbow?

If you assume the T-shirt and denim jacket were on her body, you'd assume the tennis shoes were on her feet.

She wore a yellow T-shirt and a blue denim jean jacket, and big black baggy pants. She had yellow tennis shoes, with no socks or laces.

This edited version breaks up the really long sentence, and the second sentence is all about her feet.

Links: On my web site, I have links to some of my stories online.

EMAIL: tgilli52@gmail.com  TWITTER: EDITORatWORK

MORE EDITOR@WORK BLOG ENTRIES

• You really DO need an editor

• Reminders for would-be novelists

• What I do when I'm editing

• What I charge (it's a deal) and what I edit

• Slogging through the Internet

• J-school: More eyes on your stories

• J-school: Go out and learn

• Rookie mistakes for magazine writers

BLOG ENTRIES BY TOM GILLISPIE

• Resume for a writer and editor

• An editor's views on powerful writing

• Advice for be and would-be novelists

• Links to TG's stories online

• Favorite quotes

• What I do when I'm editing

ANECDOTES BY TOM GILLISPIE

• Wipeout at Death Valley

• Days with rainbows

• A desperate writer working in the dark

• Yer OUTTA there!

ENTRIES FROM THE DOG BLOG

• Katie cried

• Growl and pull

• 13-plus years with my dog Lady

• ... said the spider to ...

• The Dog Diary (2014)

• YIP! YIP! The stereo-sound huskies

• What Lady and Michael Jackson had in common

BLOG ENTRIES FROM THE AUTO RACING JOURNAL

• Angel in Black: Remembering Dale Earnhardt Sr.

(a book of great stories about the Intimidator)

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(the book of great NASCAR stories)

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• Wayne Auton: A life in racing