Sunday, October 10, 2010

I forget; what was that sentence about?

I know that Associated Press stories often have really long leads, but this is way too long.


Australia’s Katherine Hull rallied for her second career LPGA Tour victory, pulling ahead with a birdie on the par-5 17th and finishing with a par for a 5-under 67 and a one-stroke victory against Brittany Lincicome yesterday in Prattville, Ala.

Let's try it again:

Australia’s Katherine Hull rallied for her second career LPGA Tour victory yesterday in Prattville, Ala. She pulled ahead with a birdie on the par-5 17th and parred 18 for a 5-under 67 and a one-stroke victory against Brittany Lincicome.

Here's another sentence from yesterday that needs editing:

Charles Schwab Cup points leader Bernhard Langer rallied to shoot a 67, good for a ninth-place finish.

That's a stacked modifier. I'd change that to Bernhard Langer, the Charles Schwab Cup points leader, rallied to shoot a 67, good for a ninth-place finish.


Contact: Reach me at tgilli52@gmail.com or nc3022@yahoo.com.

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