Saturday, August 11, 2012

Tightening a story lead

Found online: Phenom Manny Machado whipped Camden Yards into a frenzy by hitting his first two career home runs in the Baltimore Orioles’ 7-1 win over the Kansas City Royals, becoming the youngest Oriole to hit two in a single game.


At 20 years, 35 days old, Machado became the 12th youngest player in major league history to have a multihomer game. Most recently, Los Angeles Angels outfielder Mike Trout homered twice last Aug. 30 when he was just 12 days younger than Machado.


To relieve that run-on sentence, I'd move the last part of that first paragraph to the first sentence of the second paragraph. Also, I'd trim out major league history. I'd also go back and add Friday to the lead paragraph.


At 20 years, 35 days old, Machado became the youngest Oriole to homer twice in one game and the 12th youngest major leaguer ever to have a multihomer game. Most recently, Los Angeles Angels outfielder Mike Trout homered twice last Aug. 30 when he was 12 days younger than Machado.



Contact: I can be reached at tgilli52@gmail.com or nc3022@yahoo.com. Also, my Twitter handle is EDITORatWORK.

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