Doing too much

I realize this writer was trying to pack a lot of information on deadline in this NBA Finals story, but this sentence is overdone.

Rasheed Wallace, the only player with experience in Game 7 of the NBA Finals having lost to San Antonio while a member of the Detroit Pistons, started in his place and scored 11 points before fouling out.

This needs to be two sentences. It would work better if you married the first and last parts of this sentence and turn the middle into a separate sentence.

Rasheed Wallace started in his place and scored 11 points before fouling out. Wallace was the only Celtic with experience in Game 7 of the NBA Finals, having lost to San Antonio while with the Detroit Pistons.

It's still long, but it isn't so cumbersome.

Contact: Reach me at tgilli52@gmail.com or nc3022@yahoo.com.

More EDITOR@WORK blog entries

• You really DO need an editor

• Reminders for would-be novelists

• What I do when I'm editing

• What I charge (it's a deal) and what I edit

• Slogging through the Internet

• J-school: More eyes on your stories

• J-school: Go out and learn

• Rookie mistakes for magazine writers

Entries from The Dog Blog

• Katie cried

• Growl and pull

• 10 years with Lady

• ... said the spider to ...

• The Dog Diary (2014)

• YIP! YIP! The stereo-sound huskies

• What Lady and Michael Jackson had in common

Blog entries from The Auto Racing Journal

• Angel in Black: Remembering Dale Earnhardt Sr.

(a book of great stories about the Intimidator)

• Then Junior Said to Jeff...

(the book of great NASCAR stories)

• My best day as a sports writer

• Jeff Gordon's milk toast to Dale Earnhardt

• Wayne Auton: A life in racing

More blog entries by Tom Gillispie

• Resume for a writer and editor

• An editor's views on powerful writing

• Advice for be and would-be novelists

• Links to TG's stories online

• Favorite quotes

• What I do when I'm editing

Anecdotes by Tom Gillispie

• Wipeout at Death Valley

• Days with rainbows

• A desperate writer working in the dark

• Yer outta there!