Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Out of order

This paragraph has a few things out of order.

"Did anyone else come in to see Mrs. Stein that you were aware?" prosecutor Joan Illuzzi-Orbon asked the trial's second witness, Ed McQuaid, super for the posh apartments overlooking Central Park at East 78th Street. The first witness had been Stein's daughter, Mandy, who discovered the body.

The first witness was Stein's daughter, Mandy, who discovered the body. The second was Ed McQuaid, super for the posh apartments overlooking Central Park at East 78th Street.
"Did anyone else come in to see Mrs. Stein that you were aware?" prosecutor Joan Illuzzi-Orbon asked McQuaid.
Now McQuaid can answer the question without interruption. This appears longer because it's now two paragraphs, but the edited version has 46 words instead of 47. And it's smoother and has a more natural transition.


Contact: Reach me at tgilli52@gmail.com or nc3022@yahoo.com.

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