This paragraph has a few things out of order.
"Did anyone else come in to see Mrs. Stein that you were aware?" prosecutor Joan Illuzzi-Orbon asked the trial's second witness, Ed McQuaid, super for the posh apartments overlooking Central Park at East 78th Street. The first witness had been Stein's daughter, Mandy, who discovered the body.
After this paragraph, the prosecutor questions people in the building. The writer is skipping from the prosecutor and the building supervisor to the building and the first witness; then he/she goes back to the questions.
Let's try it another way.
The first witness was Stein's daughter, Mandy, who discovered the body. The second was Ed McQuaid, super for the posh apartments overlooking Central Park at East 78th Street.
"Did anyone else come in to see Mrs. Stein that you were aware?" prosecutor Joan Illuzzi-Orbon asked McQuaid.
Now McQuaid can answer the question without interruption. This appears longer because it's now two paragraphs, but the edited version has 46 words instead of 47. And it's smoother and has a more natural transition.
More EDITOR@WORK blog entries
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