Sunday, September 4, 2011

These sentences needed editing

Here are some sentences and paragraphs I've pointed to for instruction:

The (New England) Patriots gave up undisclosed draft considerations for Burgess. That means draft picks, and I'd rather they said that.

One of the news wires said that a player was held out of a baseball game because of concession-like symptoms. They meant concussion.

A wire story about the NFL said that a streak of eight consecutive Pro Bowl berths came to an end. That's right; you don't need consecutive. A streak is already consecutive.

I got a press release saying that so-and-so just set a new record at Somewhere Speedway. All newsmen cringe when they hear that. You can't set an old record; it has to be a new one.

This was found in the NY Times: Whom did the Giants pick with the choices netted in the Shockey trade? Maybe it's just me, but, to my ear, Who did the Giants pick works better.

I found this online — "I grew to love it,” Sullivan, of Andover, Mass., said. That reads better as, "I grew to love it,” said Sullivan, of Andover, Mass. It's cleaner, easier to read.

Found online — Expectations were low heading into 2008, but with the edition of Bill Parcells to the front office,... The addition of Bill Parcells, GM Jeff Ireland and coach Tony Sparano, all from the Dallas Cowboys, turned the Dolphins into an 11-6 team last year.

This was found in a NY Times story — Some of the residents have a sense of whom Dalkowski was, or might have been. Yes, it should be who, not whom. Who Dalkowski was.

The AP started one story this way: First-round draft pick Jordan Hill has signed with the New York Knicks. The Knicks announced Saturday that they had signed the forward from Arizona. Hill was the eighth overall pick in the draft. I changed that to The New York Knicks announced yesterday that they have signed first-round draft pick Jordan Hill. Hill, the forward from Arizona, was the eighth overall pick in the draft.

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1 comment:

  1. How about the use of "an" in front of "historical". Apparently a lot of people think this sounds better, but it's just plain wrong. "An" may be used only when the following word begins with a vowel sound. If you are British and you don't pronounce the "h", then "an historical" would be correct.

    And don't get me started about people who say "infer" when they mean "imply".

    Peter K.