Friday, April 20, 2012

Needs multiple edits

Needs editing: I hate to pick on one story found online, but this one needs editing.

Here's the first paragraph:

Nineteenth-century British prime minister and author Benjamin Disraeli once said "Desperation is sometimes as powerful an inspirer as genius." With the hire of coaching legend and septuagenarian serial employment philanderer Larry Brown, SMU athletic director Steve Orsini went one philosophical level deeper. He's made a move that smacks of both driving forces.

I like it when a writer makes a reach and quotes Benjamin Disraeli in his lead, but I'd move Disraeli up front.

Benjamin Disraeli, the 19th-century British prime minister and author,  once said "Desperation is sometimes as powerful an inspirer as genius."

 The second sentence has a huge stacked modifier (coaching legend and septuagenarian serial employment philanderer Larry Brown), and I'd give the writer a 15-yard penalty and take away his computer for a day. Come to think of it, the Disraeli sentence also has a huge stacked modifier.

Make that two days.

Here's another sentence that bothers me:

It's not about how many games he wins or how long Brown will stay or whom his hand-picked successor will be.

Yes, I'd change "whom" to "who." Call it personal preference. Whom is overused.
Contact: I can be reached at tgilli52@gmail.com or nc3022@yahoo.com. Also, my Twitter handle is EDITORatWORK.

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