Sunday, November 22, 2009

Editing the Titans...

Needs editing: Sigh. I like some things about the coming paragraph. Hey, I agree with what the guy is saying; Vince Young has done a terrific job since getting to play again.

But this is W-A-A-Y too long.

He has a $4.25 million roster bonus due in 2010, along with a $7.5 million salary. But with the way he is handling himself on and off the field, with all Tennessee has already invested in him, how much owner Bud Adams supports him and wants him to succeed, the way the offense has flowed with him under center, his unique skill set and newfound maturity and appreciation for the game, he is looking every bit the part. Talking to scouts who have watched him recently, they point to his maturity, confidence, willingness to take what the defense gives him, and his restraint from forcing the ball. All of that serves him well.
That middle sentence is a monster, but the writer could have done more with the last sentence, which starts "Talking to scouts..."

The beginning of that sentence could be "Scouts point to his maturity..." We assume the scouts have watched him recently; you don't need to say it. The writer is just showing off the fact that he's talked to scouts. Big deal. I'm not sure about the "looked the part" phrase. The writer could have found a better way to say that. Hey, Vince Young may be the future of the Titans. He was meant to be.

A point: I know this is nitpicking, but I want to make a point.
After watching Matt Ryan toss two more interceptions in the Falcons' 28-19 loss to the Panthers on Sunday, league observers are starting to wonder if the 2008 Offensive Rookie of the Year is suffering from a sophomore slump.
You don't need "league observers"; "observers" will do. We assume you're not asking some guy at Joe's bar. Why bring this up? Every word is suspect; use only the ones that are necessary and move the article forward.

Also, Ryan didn't "toss" two more interceptions; the defense intercepted him.

Finally, "suffering from a sophomore slump" could become "in a sophomore slump." Remember: Write tight.


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