Friday, November 27, 2009

Convoluted sentence

Needs editing, maybe: I thought this needed editing when I first saw it; now, I'm not too sure. “I’ll never buy again,” said the veteran Nets guard Keyon Dooling, who rents the downtown Orlando condominium he bought in 2005 to a Magic player.

What bothered me was "the downtown Orlando condominium he bought in 2005 to a Magic player." I had to re-read it once or twice to understand it.

If I rewrote that section, it might become, "who bought a downtown Orlando condominium in 2005 and now rents it to a Magic player." Just so you'll know, the Orlando Magic and New Jersey Nets are NBA teams.

One unit: The Lions put up impressive numbers last weekend, though they might not be able to penetrate the Packers defense, who haven’t allowed a rusher to reach the 100-yard mark since Week 3.

The part of this sentence that bothers me is "the Packers defense, who haven't..." I'd change that to "the Packers' defense, which hasn't..." I think you need the apostrophe. And although the Packers' defense is a group of individuals, it's a unit. It needs "which" rather than "who."

Not my name: I found this on Sports Illustrated's web site -- En route to their second consecutive 100-loss season, Washington endured the additional indignity of taking the field in April with their team name misspelled "Natinals" on the front of their jerseys. Uniform make Majestic Athletic apologized for the error.

Washington and "their" team name don't go together. Instead of their, you would use "its" team name.

And the uniform maker could have used a good editor.

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