Editing a story lead

I don't like stacked modifiers, particularly to start a story. Take this paragraph found online:

Former Baltimore Colts tight end and Hall of Fame inductee John Mackey died Wednesday after a lengthy battle with dementia.

I'd change it to this:

John Mackey, the hall-of-fame tight end for the Baltimore Colts, died Wednesday after a lengthy battle with dementia.

If he's in the Hall of fame, he has to be a former player. I think the latter version is much easier to read.

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MORE EDITOR@WORK BLOG ENTRIES

• You really DO need an editor

• Reminders for would-be novelists

• What I do when I'm editing

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• Slogging through the Internet

• J-school: More eyes on your stories

• J-school: Go out and learn

• Rookie mistakes for magazine writers

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• Advice for be and would-be novelists

• Links to TG's stories online

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• What I do when I'm editing

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